2025 realisations

In 2025, I realised 3 things. Or let’s say I have known them for a while, but I finally came to terms with them. I finally internalised them and understood that they are part of me and who I am at the moment.

1. Control is probably how I learned to feel safe

Every time I don’t have control over something, I slightly panic.

Whether it’s a stain I just made while eating out, or a change of plan I didn’t choose, or anything really that I can’t act on immediately, my mind starts spiraling and I can quickly get lost and angry in my own head.

I always liked deciding things, even quietly. I like my routine, and I can panic if something changes.

Earlier this year, when I was on a plane for work, I got a stain of the salad dressing served on my pants.

I spiraled in my head for at least 30 minutes because there was this stain and I couldn’t do anything about it.

I was thinking “and even when there, I can’t wash it, and it’s just gonna stay, and it’s gonna ruin my pants forever”.

But here is the thing: It was just a stain. And my pants were never ruined.

I just like to feel I have control over things. If anything happens, I want to be able to fix it. Because if I don’t, what am I supposed to do?

2. Turning 30 is a big step after all

Next year, I’m turning 30, and I usually say I don’t care about age. Age is just a number. It is more about your life, your friends, your family. But I’m a woman, I’m a single woman surrounded by friends who found their person, who are in love and envisioning a life with someone they deeply care about.

So, even though I couldn’t care less about my age and I want to feel proud of who I’ve become, what I’m doing with my life, I can’t help but thinking about this:

What if I want to be a mom someday.

In October, I was listening to this podcast from a 30-years old, still single, surrounded by friends with babies and all, and wondering if she wants kids someday.

She went through this whole process of freezing her eggs, and this made me deeply emotional. I wondered why.

Did I feel concerned?

Did I recognise myself?

And two days later, I was at my sister’s place in Paris, with a few of her friends. One was reading cards.

We started and he looked at me:

“Do you want to be a mom? Because I think you do”

And I started wondering again. Is this actually something I want? Is this something I’m craving deep inside?

I know I don’t want to be a single mom.

I know the only context I would want kids would be with someone I can actually imagine having kids with.

But I started wondering, what if this day never comes. Why do I have to carry this burden by myself and let these intrusive thoughts in?

You are probably like, girl you’re good, you’re not even 30. Yes, I know, I don’t even know if this is something I want, but time flies, babe. Yesterday I was only 25 and ít didn’t even occur to me that this topic would keep my mind so busy.

And because I am a woman I have to think about those things. And you could be like “no you don’t”.

Well, yes, I do, because the universe can decide for me, because I have no one to make plans with.

And I’m turning 30 next year, I’m not a kid anymore.

3. There is this loneliness in me

I am surrounded by awesome friends and family. But I feel lonely. Because I don’t have anyone to share this life with.

Well, that is not totally true because obviously I share my life with a lot of people and I have the best memories of it all and so many great moments to come.

It is selfish, but I miss this one person that would be my person and I would be theirs.

This person who would check on me and I would check on them.

And we would cuddle when times are tough.

And I could forget for a second the world is so wild.

We talk so much about the pressure of being in a relationship or the fear of being alone, but after all the experiences I had, I know I don’t need just a relationship.

I have many people by my side, but I miss this love, this unconditional love to rely on. I miss the magic of it all.

Discovering someone and having butterflies (the good ones).

Falling for them and looking forward to every moment with them, whether it is a boring movie night or an adventure outside of the city.

I miss this love that makes you think everything is possible, and after all, the world is not such a bad place because you are together.

And if anything happens, you will never be alone.

I am not alone.

But this is not the same.

And better acknowledge that than lying to myself. I want my own safe place.

So where do we go from there in 2026?

I think it is time to admit that things rarely go according to plans, at least big plans.

It is time to admit that control can be healthy only in moderation, if ever.

It is time to loosen up.

It is time to be okay with the fact that I am single and don’t really want to be.

Sure, I’m great alone, never been better.

But I want love, real love.

And it is okay to want it, better be honest with yourself.

And yes, it is time to admit that I’m scared of aging because it brings up so many grown ups issues that I am not ready to deal with.

But this is also okay.

I’ve always framed this newsletter as reflections on my professional path. But was this Substack really about my career? Or was this focus just hiding what I felt deep inside?

2026 is the year I stop pretending everything is aligned. The year I let myself be honest. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially then.